Habitat - Indoor :: I'm just so upset. Abusive men enrage me.

[Kookala]

I got my turtles June 7th, my best friend got hers a year ealier. They are all rehomes. So my bf HATES the RES her husband brought home, says it isn't her responsibility, her kids feed and change water, check heat ect. Her husband brought the turtle home. He's an [---] btw. He'd bring a frickin' pronghorne home as a pet and then forget about it. About 2 wks ago he just brought a new RES hatchling home. My BF hates the first one, now she has two.
My 3 are getting huge (2.5-4") and hers are a hatchling 2" and an older turtle.
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We were going to do ponds together. I mean I was going to do a pond and she was going to copy me next spring and learn from my mistakes.
She's computer illiterate so I've been talking about what I've learned abouts the pond and heat and shedding and lights and the best set-up and she's like "don't care don't want to know. Just build it and I'll stick the things in there". She has large water dogs in the backyard, cats in the front so she could only build a protected enlosure on the side. I ran it by her and the steps to take and her husband said "NO!". So we started talking about water gardens AKA Preformed Ponds.

I said how big is yours now? And she said about as big as a dollar bill. I was like "WOW!" and you dont have any piles or shell problems from it getting so big so quick? And aren't you scared to put the 2" baby in there? (I was being nice, she's kinda touchy too.)
Then she said her husband was upgrading the 10 gl to a 20 gl tank to accomodate the baby. She said she knows conditions are inadequete but he'll blow a fuse if she or anyone else talks to him about it (and I've seen him blow up on her not pretty but the worst is the fallout). She said it's not the best, but it's better. So she doesn't get her pond... not even a freakn large rubbermaid container to keep these pets she doesn't want in. I said we can just build it and surprise him for Christmas! surprise< surprise
I offered to take them in... she's so afraid to make waves (she whispers.. "I gotta go, he's home" when we're on the phone and he pulls up) that she refuses. We've been freinds for almost three years now and I'm not "allowed" to visit their home yet.
"I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!! She isn't leaving him, he isn't physically abusive, she's Catholoic (religion is the root of all evil and the bane of common sense) and the only animals in their home I think are being abused are these turtles.
This is too weird of a friendship. I don't know what to do.

[industrial_girl_2000]

Well, she chose to marry him. Sorry, but she could have chosen to marry someone else (!). I once had a friend like that too and at first I thought that the husband was a real A-hole until I realized one day that if things really were THAT bad, that she would have left him. She never did, and they are still married. On the other hand, I had another friend where things really WERE that bad, and she left him. People have to make their own choices in life, unfortunately. All we can do is stand by and not get involved. Marriage-relationships are very complicated. Keep in mind also that you are only hearing her side of the story which is 50%. In any school in America, if you only have 50% of the information, you have a failing grade in the class. It's true in relationships too. Just a little piece of advice from me to you!

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do in this type of situation (regarding how the turtles are being treated). I say build your own pond, without her, and don't worry about what your friend's turtles are doing. Do your own thing & don't depend on others.

In terms of "not being allowed to visit", I say show up once, uninvited, unannounced, and see what happens. I would. And if she won't let you in the door, I wouldn't spend too much more time on this friend. If your friend won't "be a friend" to you, then you will need to find others who will be.

[jenaero]

I agree up until the last point. Don't go over there. If you're 'not allowed' over or haven't been invited, there's a reason for it. The last thing she needs is for you (or anyone) to show up un-announced. Once you leave, she'll be left to deal with his anger over it, no matter how little sense it makes to you. Trust me on that.

[RunninWideOpen]

I know it's hard to see animals being taken care of so poorly, but there's not really anything you can do. A lot of people view turtles like gold fish, cheap, replaceable pets. I think most of them probably don't realize these RES grow to be up to 12" as adults....they only see them as babies.

I second just about everything industrial_girl says. The only life you have to live is your own.

Let's keep the religion bashing out of here, btw. That's not causing the problem here.

[powerofvoodoo]

if things really were THAT bad, that she would have left him.

I have to say, I very much disagree. My mom was with my emotionally abusive dad for 23 years before she had the courage to leave him and has told me since that the only reason she stayed with him is because she had kids with him. My dad was always emotionally abusive towards my mom, my sisters, and I, but he has physically abused me and yes, it was THAT bad (I thought he was going to kill me) and yes, while I refuse to live with him, we do still have a relationship and I do still see him a lot.
I'm not telling you my story for sympathy, but to have you realize that there are many physically abusive relationships where the abused doesn't leave the abuser EVER, so it may be THAT bad, but the abused doesn't think that they can leave, or if it's not physically abusive, they may be able to justify the bad things in their heads.

I have no advice about the turtles though, unless you build the pond and offer to let your friends turtles live in your pond with your turtle.

[industrial_girl_2000]

if things really were THAT bad, that she would have left him.

I have to say, I very much disagree. My mom was with my emotionally abusive dad for 23 years before she had the courage to leave him and has told me since that the only reason she stayed with him is because she had kids with him.

I'm glad she DID eventually leave your dad. No one should live under that kind of strain....!